I find that people rarely repeat simple things that we already know to be true, and yet when someone does repeat it, everyone around them who understands it breathes an internal sigh of relief. I find that at the Sunday service, when my pastor speaks simply and deliberately, laying out a problem in simple terms and giving a solid solution without all of the confusion and double-speak floating around by those who would go another way. I don't know if I'm the kind of person who can say something simple in a simple manner. I can certainly do it in a complicated manner. But maybe someone will read it and sigh in relief.
A lot of people are going to be really offended by this, but hopefully not many of them bother to visit my blog! The first simple thing I could say is that people who are going deliberately against God's plan are going against the very workings of the universe, and it's pretty quiet and desolate out there on a limb. This is why they try so hard to convince, not only themselves, but everyone they meet to approve of them and what they're doing. Those who know they're in God's will don't need anybody else's approval. So if you see someone trying to mandate having only their version told and criminalizing alternate opinions, that's a warning flag.
Everyone has a still small voice inside them, a space made by the Creator for Him to fill. When you rebel against society, friends, and your own family, you are fighting what is outside of you. When you rebel against God, you are fighting something inside yourself. That is why some people are extra touchy about the lifestyles they are trying to glorify.
The idea, you see, is that if everyone on the outside agrees with them, perhaps they can stifle the voice inside. The truth is that it won't work. In fact, if the voice inside agrees with you, you do not need any of the voices outside to approve the way you're choosing to spend your time.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Imperfect Parents
Yes, there are always the few on Mother's Day or Father's Day who may feel as if they don't quite deserve the title. They look back on their lives, their successes, but more often their failures. Some are unwed mothers. Some struggled with alcohol or drug addiction. Some are simply perfectionists who pick up any perceived shortcoming (I didn't make his favorite cookies often enough!) and magnify it until it fills the world.
Children learn from their parents, and the way the parents approach their shortcomings will teach their children some very important life lessons. Everyone has shortcomings. Parents should realize and remember that they need to teach their children how to handle them. Strive, of course, and try your best, but don't hate yourself for your mistakes! God doesn't!
Of course, to a young child you're 'perfect', and boy, you'd better be. You're laying down a foundation that helps the child relate to other people and God in this point of his life. If he claims that you're perfect, there's no need to burden his heart out of a desire to tell the truth. You can point out that no human being is perfect and redirect his attention towards God. But there's no need to fill in the details.
On the other hand, there's no need to hide the details forever. As your child is old enough to understand, it's not a terrible thing to admit your shortcomings in the past and, as your child ages further, in the present as well. There are several good things that will come of this careful but honest introspection.
Your child may be able to avoid your mistakes, especially if he knows of the situation before he is old enough to encounter something similar in his own life. All the vicious cycles, alcoholism, violence, procrastination, they can all be broken. Maybe your child won't be the one to do it. Maybe it's meant to be you. Maybe it'll be his child. But an understanding of the tendencies in his family can help him face them within himself without bewilderment and shame.
Also, it can be a relief to a child to know that though the bar may be set high, that it's not insurmountable. It can be a source of comfort to know that perfection is not required for your love. I am reminded of the Back to the Future main character reminiscing about his mother's retelling of her childhood. "I think the woman was born a nun!" That can be a lot for a kid to live up to! When a parent refuses to present himself as anything but perfect, his child might be intimidated at the thought of speaking honestly when he's made a mistake, and that could keep them both from dealing with it before it becomes worse.
Finally, the way a parent handles an imperfection can teach a child a great deal about handling his own mistakes. A parent with a bad temper who honestly and humbly apologizes afterwards can teach a child that it's okay to admit you were wrong. A child can learn the importance of reconciliation, honesty, and humility by watching a parent correct his own mistakes. For an intense, serious child this is even more important, as it shows him how to handle imperfection with calm and dignity. Many children who commit suicide are high achievers who made a relatively unimportant mistake. Be forgiving of yourself for the sake of your child!
A child can learn from an imperfect parent, even one who never owns up to his mistakes. I was reading a list of essays that famous men's sons wrote about their fathers. Some of them wrote things like "My dad taught me how not to treat a woman. I will not call my wife any of the names he called my mother." Children are more observant than you know, and they pick up on emotional cues you may not even know that you're sending. On the other hand, the bond between you is very strong and it is very difficult to turn a child fully against a parent. A simple acknowledgment that you are not a perfect person is not enough to do it.
Children learn from their parents, and the way the parents approach their shortcomings will teach their children some very important life lessons. Everyone has shortcomings. Parents should realize and remember that they need to teach their children how to handle them. Strive, of course, and try your best, but don't hate yourself for your mistakes! God doesn't!
Of course, to a young child you're 'perfect', and boy, you'd better be. You're laying down a foundation that helps the child relate to other people and God in this point of his life. If he claims that you're perfect, there's no need to burden his heart out of a desire to tell the truth. You can point out that no human being is perfect and redirect his attention towards God. But there's no need to fill in the details.
On the other hand, there's no need to hide the details forever. As your child is old enough to understand, it's not a terrible thing to admit your shortcomings in the past and, as your child ages further, in the present as well. There are several good things that will come of this careful but honest introspection.
Your child may be able to avoid your mistakes, especially if he knows of the situation before he is old enough to encounter something similar in his own life. All the vicious cycles, alcoholism, violence, procrastination, they can all be broken. Maybe your child won't be the one to do it. Maybe it's meant to be you. Maybe it'll be his child. But an understanding of the tendencies in his family can help him face them within himself without bewilderment and shame.
Also, it can be a relief to a child to know that though the bar may be set high, that it's not insurmountable. It can be a source of comfort to know that perfection is not required for your love. I am reminded of the Back to the Future main character reminiscing about his mother's retelling of her childhood. "I think the woman was born a nun!" That can be a lot for a kid to live up to! When a parent refuses to present himself as anything but perfect, his child might be intimidated at the thought of speaking honestly when he's made a mistake, and that could keep them both from dealing with it before it becomes worse.
Finally, the way a parent handles an imperfection can teach a child a great deal about handling his own mistakes. A parent with a bad temper who honestly and humbly apologizes afterwards can teach a child that it's okay to admit you were wrong. A child can learn the importance of reconciliation, honesty, and humility by watching a parent correct his own mistakes. For an intense, serious child this is even more important, as it shows him how to handle imperfection with calm and dignity. Many children who commit suicide are high achievers who made a relatively unimportant mistake. Be forgiving of yourself for the sake of your child!
A child can learn from an imperfect parent, even one who never owns up to his mistakes. I was reading a list of essays that famous men's sons wrote about their fathers. Some of them wrote things like "My dad taught me how not to treat a woman. I will not call my wife any of the names he called my mother." Children are more observant than you know, and they pick up on emotional cues you may not even know that you're sending. On the other hand, the bond between you is very strong and it is very difficult to turn a child fully against a parent. A simple acknowledgment that you are not a perfect person is not enough to do it.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
The simplest things
I took an Internet test this morning on being a '1930's wife'. I thought I'd score as low as other people I'd seen taking it for sure. I was amazed to find that I scored very highly. I was more amazed to see the kind of things the test required of a good 1930's wife, considering how many people scored poorly.
So what kind of things did I check? I dress before breakfast. I am cheerful in the mornings. I greet my husband with a smile when he comes home from work. Supper is generally on time. I know how to sew a button on a shirt. I try to learn a bit about what he's doing at work. I'm pretty frugal with the money. (Those outside of my uber-frugal New Englander family would say I'm exceptionally frugal with the money.) I'm pleasant even with unexpected guests. I speak with my husband before making large decisions/purchases. I checked that I wear red nail polish, but I don't know if that counted for or against me.
What kind of things did I not check? I don't gossip. I don't correct my husband's speech in front of guests. I don't go to bed angry at him.
Is it so difficult, ladies? I've heard so many women complain bitterly about "what was expected" of that 1930's wife. I've heard them scoff. Doesn't she take any time for herself? Isn't she more than just a doormat? Of course she is! Don't sound so stupid! Does it really take that much from a woman to smile when her husband comes home? To listen to him? To care about what he's been doing, his needs and his struggles, his successes? What'd you even get married for?
I worked full-time outside the home for three years while my husband finished an advance college degree that would allow us to live on a single income so that I could homeschool our son. It was so difficult! I got a taste of what my husband deals with, and on top of that I had to deal with a lot of the household stuff. You know what, though? I learned from it what made a day better and what made it worse. It's a tough world out there, especially in the "cubicle farms," underappreciated and struggling for position.
Do you know how much nicer it is to live that life if you come home to a smile? If you wake up to a pleasant demeanor? To have someone supporting you and not tearing you down? Women act like it's such an unreasonable demand on their time and energy, but it's so little, it's so little and it means so much.
Now you don't really have to know how to sew on a button if you've got the money to buy a new dress every spring and fall. You don't have to know how to cook a masterpiece if you can put something together that's healthy and pretty nearly on time. You don't have to do curlers in your hair and makeup every evening just to look nice when your guy comes home. You have a vacuum cleaner, a dishwasher, a washing machine and dryer, a microwave, and a car. Some people talk as if everyone should go back to the 30's, but that's not necessary. Where we've made progress, let's keep it.
But I would love to keep that 30's attitude, the cheerful, loving, giving wife who doesn't think it's a burden on her time to smile at her husband when he comes home. Someone who cares about taking care of him, who is interested in him. Someone who does the homemaking, not growly and begrudgingly, but with pride and a bit of finesse.
So what kind of things did I check? I dress before breakfast. I am cheerful in the mornings. I greet my husband with a smile when he comes home from work. Supper is generally on time. I know how to sew a button on a shirt. I try to learn a bit about what he's doing at work. I'm pretty frugal with the money. (Those outside of my uber-frugal New Englander family would say I'm exceptionally frugal with the money.) I'm pleasant even with unexpected guests. I speak with my husband before making large decisions/purchases. I checked that I wear red nail polish, but I don't know if that counted for or against me.
What kind of things did I not check? I don't gossip. I don't correct my husband's speech in front of guests. I don't go to bed angry at him.
Is it so difficult, ladies? I've heard so many women complain bitterly about "what was expected" of that 1930's wife. I've heard them scoff. Doesn't she take any time for herself? Isn't she more than just a doormat? Of course she is! Don't sound so stupid! Does it really take that much from a woman to smile when her husband comes home? To listen to him? To care about what he's been doing, his needs and his struggles, his successes? What'd you even get married for?
I worked full-time outside the home for three years while my husband finished an advance college degree that would allow us to live on a single income so that I could homeschool our son. It was so difficult! I got a taste of what my husband deals with, and on top of that I had to deal with a lot of the household stuff. You know what, though? I learned from it what made a day better and what made it worse. It's a tough world out there, especially in the "cubicle farms," underappreciated and struggling for position.
Do you know how much nicer it is to live that life if you come home to a smile? If you wake up to a pleasant demeanor? To have someone supporting you and not tearing you down? Women act like it's such an unreasonable demand on their time and energy, but it's so little, it's so little and it means so much.
Now you don't really have to know how to sew on a button if you've got the money to buy a new dress every spring and fall. You don't have to know how to cook a masterpiece if you can put something together that's healthy and pretty nearly on time. You don't have to do curlers in your hair and makeup every evening just to look nice when your guy comes home. You have a vacuum cleaner, a dishwasher, a washing machine and dryer, a microwave, and a car. Some people talk as if everyone should go back to the 30's, but that's not necessary. Where we've made progress, let's keep it.
But I would love to keep that 30's attitude, the cheerful, loving, giving wife who doesn't think it's a burden on her time to smile at her husband when he comes home. Someone who cares about taking care of him, who is interested in him. Someone who does the homemaking, not growly and begrudgingly, but with pride and a bit of finesse.
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