Imperfect Parents

Yes, there are always the few on Mother's Day or Father's Day who may feel as if they don't quite deserve the title. They look back on their lives, their successes, but more often their failures. Some are unwed mothers. Some struggled with alcohol or drug addiction. Some are simply perfectionists who pick up any perceived shortcoming (I didn't make his favorite cookies often enough!) and magnify it until it fills the world.

Children learn from their parents, and the way the parents approach their shortcomings will teach their children some very important life lessons. Everyone has shortcomings. Parents should realize and remember that they need to teach their children how to handle them. Strive, of course, and try your best, but don't hate yourself for your mistakes! God doesn't!

Of course, to a young child you're 'perfect', and boy, you'd better be. You're laying down a foundation that helps the child relate to other people and God in this point of his life. If he claims that you're perfect, there's no need to burden his heart out of a desire to tell the truth. You can point out that no human being is perfect and redirect his attention towards God. But there's no need to fill in the details.

On the other hand, there's no need to hide the details forever. As your child is old enough to understand, it's not a terrible thing to admit your shortcomings in the past and, as your child ages further, in the present as well. There are several good things that will come of this careful but honest introspection.

Your child may be able to avoid your mistakes, especially if he knows of the situation before he is old enough to encounter something similar in his own life. All the vicious cycles, alcoholism, violence, procrastination, they can all be broken. Maybe your child won't be the one to do it. Maybe it's meant to be you. Maybe it'll be his child. But an understanding of the tendencies in his family can help him face them within himself without bewilderment and shame.

Also, it can be a relief to a child to know that though the bar may be set high, that it's not insurmountable. It can be a source of comfort to know that perfection is not required for your love. I am reminded of the Back to the Future main character reminiscing about his mother's retelling of her childhood. "I think the woman was born a nun!" That can be a lot for a kid to live up to! When a parent refuses to present himself as anything but perfect, his child might be intimidated at the thought of speaking honestly when he's made a mistake, and that could keep them both from dealing with it before it becomes worse.

Finally, the way a parent handles an imperfection can teach a child a great deal about handling his own mistakes. A parent with a bad temper who honestly and humbly apologizes afterwards can teach a child that it's okay to admit you were wrong. A child can learn the importance of reconciliation, honesty, and humility by watching a parent correct his own mistakes. For an intense, serious child this is even more important, as it shows him how to handle imperfection with calm and dignity. Many children who commit suicide are high achievers who made a relatively unimportant mistake. Be forgiving of yourself for the sake of your child!

A child can learn from an imperfect parent, even one who never owns up to his mistakes. I was reading a list of essays that famous men's sons wrote about their fathers. Some of them wrote things like "My dad taught me how not to treat a woman. I will not call my wife any of the names he called my mother." Children are more observant than you know, and they pick up on emotional cues you may not even know that you're sending. On the other hand, the bond between you is very strong and it is very difficult to turn a child fully against a parent. A simple acknowledgment that you are not a perfect person is not enough to do it.