Do not spank in anger or without decisiveness. Never strike any person in anger. You can't help the mother bear slap of fear, especially with a toddler. That's not likely to do them any real damage. But never actually spank a child without a clear idea of why it is necessary and a cool head.
Do not spank for genuine forgetfulness, for absent-mindedness, or for accidents. I reserve spanking for deliberate disobedience. If he throws a toy in the house, I tell him no. If he gets all excited playing and does it again, I may remove the toy for a while. If I say "Do not throw toys" and he responds by looking at me and throwing another, that is call for a spanking.
I had a particular challenge with my son in this area. If he got put to bed early for acting thoroughly tired, he would refuse to pee before bed and then wet the bed. Was he doing it deliberately? Much as I hesitate to decide that, it seemed so. However, I do not feel it is right to spank a child for bed-wetting. How did I deal with it? By making it more of a nuisance to him than was worth. A thorough impromptu shower including a hair-wash, thorough change of clothes and bedding, and answering complaints with "You wet the bed, so we have to make everything clean again."Measure the spanking and spanking tool. I favor hand or wood, the hand because you can better gauge how hard the spanking is, and wood because it is lighter and more flexible, stinging without injuring. A wide wooden spoon is good for this, spreading out the impact. Plastic hurts more, and I don't favor it. How do I measure spankings? This is a carefully administered punishment, not a beating opportunity. Just as I used the inside of my wrist to test his bath temperature, I use my own arm or leg to test the spanking before I deliver it. (You don't have to do this every single time. Just enough to get the feel of whatever you're using.)
Make sure he knows ahead of time how many spanks and what they are for. "One spank for disobeying me, and one spank for spitting at me." That reinforces his sense of fairness, understanding exactly what is deserved and why.
I saved the most important for last. Ensure that the spanking wipes out the offense. Once it is finished, it has done the job of restoring him to good graces. Don't reward him afterwards, but do not withhold hugs and let your voice revert to it's pleasant tone. Treat him as if the offense and punishment has not happened at all. If you are raising him as a Christian, you are teaching the most important spiritual truth in this way; total forgiveness and remission of sins.
I hope my little guideline list has helped you understand how I use spanking for punishment. I was one of the lucky kids who learned how to spank from my own parents. My husband derived similar rules from his own experience. It is useful to keep in mind that what your child learns from your spanking habits will affect the way he punishes his own children, your grandchildren. And grandchildren are perfect, aren't they?
I really like this post! Amelia is a little young for spankings, but if she's getting into something that will damage her (the knobs on the stove) or property (our TV) or both (the Christmas tree), I will tell her "no" in a very stern voice (step 1), then if she persists, I will go to her and give the hand that is in contact with the "bad" item a quick swat that is more sound than sting, saying "no" again, and I usually remove her from the object.
ReplyDeleteThis has worked wonderful for me, because she is the only 10 month old I've ever heard of who will listen to a "no". (This has also gotten her to not play with cords and cables that are temptingly on the floor!) There are some "bad" days when all she wants to do is play with things that are "no" worthy, but then I usually confine her in some way, like in her play yard.
I absolutely agree with what you said about the punishment canceling the offense and to go straight back to normal adittude and tone of voice. I usually make sure to say "good listening!" if she listens on the first "no", in an attempt to positivly re-enforce obedience.
God Bless!
You know what always amuses me? The mother who swears up and down from childhood all through her own pregnancy that she will never strike a child, that it's cruel and horrible and demeaning, and then one day her x-month-old pulls on the cord for the iron or reaches for the woodstove or goes for the oven handle and before you know it Mrs. Proper turns into Mother Bear.
ReplyDelete*snatch* *slap* NO! *hug*
And guess what. The kid generally doesn't try it again.
My mother did a good one. When she had a cup of coffee, hot enough to be unpleasant but not to burn, she'd touch her baby's hand to it just enough to get said baby to pull away and say "Hot" in a calm voice. Repeated it a couple of times, even though said baby didn't like it at all. Then one day the kid reaches for the woodstove and my mother says "HOT!"
It works.
I agree! I think that if we shelter our children from some things in life, they will never learn how to cope with them. Amelia is a pro at going up stairs now, not interested at all in going down yet, so I know I don't have to worry about her too much when I suddenly realize she's zoomed away and is half-way up before I can snatch her. Some children with no exposure to such things will never know what they are and are the ones most likely to get into trouble. This is for whom toilet locks were invented! Amelia has been placed on the potty off and on since she was able to sit on her own with no regularity and she is now totally not interested in it as more than an aid to standing.
ReplyDeleteTo sum up, I think a child really needs to learn to be independent under a parent's supervision. It helps so much later down the road of life!
(Sorry if I seemed like a rambler!)
God Bless!
on "hot":
ReplyDeleteThe elder of your brothers, when he was all of 2, required changing when we were on a trip. I took him to the men's room, and after determining there were no changing facilities, laid my coat on the floor, and him on it. Above his head was a power outlet. I'm doing the dirty work, and there he lies, looking up at the socket. I see his hand rise, and as I'm about to drop the diaper (his ankles were in my other hand) and slap the hand away, the index finger extends, and he says, 100% ernest, "Don't touch! Hot!"
So it not only works, but it works well!
Spanking guidlines? You can paint it as pretty as you want, but hitting is hitting. Children do not think to themselves, "hmm, my mom is hitting me calmly and nicely, to teach me not to do wrong. Gee, thanks, Mom." When you hit a child, you teach them that to get someone to do (or not do) what you want, just hit them. In your case, hit them nicely. Preferably with something wooden.
ReplyDeleteChildren do not think to themselves, "hmm, my mom is hitting me calmly and nicely, to teach me not to do wrong. Gee, thanks, Mom."
ReplyDeleteYou have just made a rather large presumption about a number of children, including myself a number of years ago. In my case, your presumption turns out to be entirely false. I understood she was being calm, I understood she wasn't doing it to injure, and I understood that it was a punishment for something I did wrong. Even before I outgrew the 'spanking stage' I was grateful.
When you hit a child, you teach them that to get someone to do (or not do) what you want, just hit them.
Again, you are making sweeping generalizations that are often simply not true, especially among me and my siblings. In fact, to counter, I wonder how many children who hit others lack empathy because they simply do not know what it feels like.
You also seem to be assuming, despite the fact that I assume you read my little article, that I do nothing but spank for every offense. It's one tool in a toolbox, not the entire toolbox! There are people who misuse it, but the same could be said for food, drink, exercise, rest, power, money, and plenty of other things I bet you would not want to see taken away from you.
Every child is different, every parent is different, every parent/child combination is different, and I would never recommend that everybody or nobody should spank for any or no offense.
Assumptions aside, my whole point is that it is wrong to hit a child, for any reason. You say things like 'spank correctly'. I say there is no correct way. You shouldn't hit your children, since there are other 'tools' in the 'toolbox'. As to your thankfulness to your mother, I guess it's just another example of early indoctrination.
ReplyDeleteObviously this is your blog, it's your life, your children... I just had to put my perspective on it. I don't expect you to change but perhaps I hoped you would question the need to hurt your children.
Wonderful advice! Why weren't we reading this when you posted it months ago!? I'd take to following it if I wasn't already!
ReplyDeleteMy son has had a lot of bad habits that no amount of discussion or removing of privileges are able to correct, and I only wish it didn't have to come to spanking. He's only four, but since he sees other kids getting away with so many bad things when we take him to the supposedly "kid-friendly" places... it gets so difficult to get him to behave, to not throw things at the more expensive appliances and such, to not pee on the living room floor (after pulling his pants down to do so), to not spit at us or on the furniture. To not swear at his mother at the top of his lungs.
He argues with us whenever he likes, and he seems to see any command or warning as a new opportunity to prove he's the boss... at least he did until about a month ago when we finally spanked him as a last resort when he started putting holes in the walls.
Since we started spanking him for the obvious and calculated disobedience, he's been much better behaved. Whenever he starts misbehaving to the point where it's obvious he's doing it intentionally, all we have to do now is ask him if he really wants to be spanked and he'll usually stop and think about what he's doing.
He's even apologized a few times!
Oh, and anonymous:
Your "I guess it's just another example of early indoctrination." statement? It leads me to understand you believe that you were raised in an indoctrination-free environment. So you essentially raised yourself in such a way as to escape the influencing effects of other human beings? I highly doubt that, since you seem capable of using basic language skills. But your "it is wrong to hit a child, for any reason" claim can be nothing more than a result of the indoctrination you were exposed to in your formative years.
And the "I just had to put my perspective on it." was complete rubbish! You didn't put your perspective on anything! You posted anonymously, which tells me that you can't stand to have anyone question your perspective. You put an ignorant perspective on a topic you obviously have no worthwhile experience in dealing with.
It took my wife and I so long to get a handle on our son because we spent so long listening to people like you decry the evils of using such an effective, last-resort punishment. Your "I hoped you would question the need to hurt your children" clues me in to the fact that you don't have children yourself. You'll actually understand the issue when you become a parent... if you become one.
As gothelittle rose said, it's not done to "hurt the whiny little brat of a kid", it's done to instill discipline in the child so they'll think about what they're doing before they do something that will hurt them far more than it could ever hurt my hand or his butt.
gothelittle: My wife and I found your blog recently and have been catching up on it and we look forward to reading more of it. And I apologize for ranting at one of your posters. It's those kinds of attitudes that made my wife and I fear that our son would do something so bad as to hurt himself enough that he wouldn't survive through grade school... if he made it that far.
As father of a inquizitive little 3 year old, I am known to spank. For instance occasionally a three year old will get excited in the parking lot of a local shopping center and makes for the store. My son did this recently and yes I spanked him. Why because I wanted to watch the boy grow up to a man. I was spanked as a child but my father was the king of the
ReplyDelete